I read The Friendship Factor, by Alan Loy McGinnis in 1981. It remains one of my all-time favorite books. McGinnis says: “If we build more windows, and fewer walls we have more friends.” I believe he is correct. Well-constructed emotional walls impede relationship development. I am thankful for friendships that go back many years! But as I have aged, I have grown more cautious. And I have destroyed friendships over the years too.  It’s heartbreaking, but true.  Henri Nouwen in his book, The Inner Voice of Love, uses another image to stress the importance of being open with people, but not too open: The image of a drawbridge.

“It is important for you to control your own drawbridge. There must be times when you keep your bridge drawn and have the opportunity to be alone or only with those to whom you feel close. Never allow yourself to become public property, where anyone can walk in and out at will. When you claim for yourself the power over your drawbridge, you will discover new joy and peace in your heart and find yourself able to share that joy and peace with others.”

I have an image in mind of my heart as a castle. But it’s a modern castle because it has large windows! The large windows of my heart are open and welcoming to new and old friends alike. But it’s also like an old castle too, because it is surrounded by a moat controlled by a drawbridge. I feel compelled to control the drawbridge. There are times to be present only to the inner circle. My heart is not public property!

Over the course of this summer, I learned two valuable lessons.

• It would not hurt to install some additional windows in the castle. If I desire meaningful connection, I need to be open and receptive to making new friends. And I must be willing to allow people to love me.

• I need to realize that my friends are controlling the drawbridge to their heart carefully too. Trust and relational intimacy take time to build. A shared crisis or two often propels this process even faster! I am committed to respecting the way they choose to control their drawbridge.

Investing in people is a worthwhile endeavor. Friendship makes life so much better.  But friendships take time to develop and grow.  And as Bernard Meltzer notes: A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.