She is cannot stand conflict. In fact, we call her the “peacemaker” in our family. How many of us have conflict avoiders in our family? How often do we refer to them as the peacemakers? I have members in my extended family that would travel from New York to San Diego via London if they thought it would help them to avert conflict. But are they really peacemakers?

I am preaching on the topic of peacemaking Sunday. In my research this week, I rediscovered some important principles that I actually learned in conflict management training some years back. For starters conflict avoidance and peace making are not synonymous. In some cases avoiding the conflict actually causes it to escalate. It is sort of like having cancer in our body, and hoping it will just disappear without proper treatment as long as we don’t think about it. I also realize there is another extreme as well on the continuum of conflict management.

I love the movie A Christmas Story. There is the famous scene of the little boy getting his tongue stuck to a frozen pole on the playground at school. And then there is another scene where Ralphie has had enough of the school bully. He proceeds to beat up bully Scut Farkus right in front of an entire entourage of friends. Unfortunately conflict avoiders at times reach the same point that Ralphie did. They blow a gasket and everyone around them is shocked! The gasket blowing episode for conflict avoiders in many cases does not seem to be connected to any particular situation or ongoing interpersonal conflict.  They just cannot hold in any longer.

What does peacemaking look like then? I am convinced that real peacemakers avert all out war by being a stronghold of conviction. In other words, they stand up for what they believe. Even though they hate it with a passion, they choose to confront another person’s bad behavior. In the case of a true conflict avoider, you might as well ask them to go get in bed with a coiled up rattlesnake. The very idea of confronting someone probably causes them to break out in a cold sweat. But it is necessary. There are bullies everywhere.

There are even bullies in churches. I am aware of a church where a bully and her henchmen were allowed to have free reign for well over three decades. They got their way by bullying church leaders. No one was willing to stand up to them. The minister during much of that time period is a very gentle and kind individual. Confronting a handful of bullies was not high on his list. Volunteer leaders serving as elders were equally hesitant. Times changed. A new group of volunteer elders entered the picture. One of those individuals paid the Head Bully a visit one evening and took others with him. She started on one of her typical negative tirades and he put a quick stop to it. He gently but very firmly communicated that inappropriate behavior would stop immediately. He never raised his voice. He did not threaten her. He was not mean spirited at all. He was extremely kind, but very firm and to the point. The lady who had reigned as the resident bully had her power taken away instantly. And she responded like Scut Farkus. She tucked her tail and has not been a problem since to my knowledge.

The individual who did the confronting is a peacemaker. He effectively ended her reign of terror. The war is over. I realize in many cases such situations are far more complicated. There are layers of issues to consider. But the principle remains true: Peacemakers must be a stronghold of conviction. They must be willing to articulate their convictions for the overall good of the family or organization.

I find that I have erred on both sides of the conflict equation over the years. There are times that I have taken that plane to London, so that I could avoid conflict. And there have been other times that I have been brutally blunt and overly aggressive. It is a fine balance. The question of the day is: are you a conflict avoider or a peacemaker?  There is a difference you know…