Throw Me a Life Jacket!
Well that is no big deal! What is your problem? Get over it! Those are among the top ten phrases not to use when someone has been impacted by a traumatic event. I would add these common quips to that list as well: I have seen a lot worse. That is just life. That should not bother you. Why are you still talking about it? People process trauma differently. The same event can affect a group of involved individuals in a a variety of ways. Each person is unique in their response. One person goes about their routine with little or no disruption for the long term. Others experience nightmares, loss of appetite, and relational disturbances. Still others appear to be fine initially and experience a break down of some kind months after the crisis event. One one occasion I recall being tempted to use one of the forbidden phrases just listed.
I encountered an individual struggling with all kinds of relational issues. I listened. I poked and prodded trying to get down the real source of the problem. It finally came to the surface. This person had been involved in a traumatic incident. It was legitimate. It was genuinely a bad situation that would be troublesome to anyone. But I was still tempted to say: I have seen worse. Why are you still struggling with this after all of this time? I am so glad I kept my active mouth zipped that day.
This young person had probably led a pretty sheltered life. She was not accustomed to seeing or experiencing shocking episodes. When she was the witness to a death, it had a long term effect on her life. Apparently she had not had the opportunity to process what she had encountered with another person.
I was reminded after visting with her of the walking wounded among us. People who are harboring intrusive memories of past trauma. In some cases, professional help is an absolute necessity. Seeking out qualified people to assist should never be postponed. Loyal friends can make a difference as well. In the 2007 movie, Reign Over Me, Don Cheadle and Adam Sandler
demonstrate the important role that friendship plays in the life of someone facing post traumatic stress. One movie critic makes this observation: Reign Over Me is an emotional film with clear messages that none of us have perfect lives. Sometimes it is a close friendship that provides the life jacket to keep us afloat.
Are you willing to provide a life jacket to someone you care about today? Here are a few insights that might be helpful in the process.
- Remember the List..That is no big deal! Get over it! I have seen a lot worse..etc. etc.Practice active listening. Don’t be afraid of silence. Listen, listen, and then listen some more.
- Avoid Counter-Story. Oh you think that is bad? Let me tell you about what I experienced back in 1978…..That is counter story and it should be avoided at all costs. It is about your friend and not you.
- Use Non-Verbal Communication-Be generous with hugs. Listen with your eyes. Watch your posture. Don’t get distracted.
- Be Loyal and Patient-Reign Over Me is an excellent commentary on befriending someone struggling with trauma, because the characters problems don’t go away soon.
The holidays can be particularly difficult for people who have experienced grief, loss, or some other form of trauma in their life. Let’s be especially alert to those whom we can serve and help, because to them….it is a big deal.
2 thoughts on “Throw Me a Life Jacket!”
It's been my experience that, when someone comes to you with an emotional problem, they aren't seeking advice. They are seeking validation. They want assurance their predicament is real, that it is logical. They want to know someone else understands their grief or fear. Once that is accomplished, the healing process can begin, often without any further assistance.
I totally agree. That is why excellent listening skills are so important. They will not feel understood if we dont' take the time and effort to listen.