I recently shared the following quote with my friends: Friends are those rare people who ask how we are and then wait to hear the answer. I received two insightful responses regarding this quality of friendship. The first one: and to add to that statement, they listen to the response with sincerity. That is so true!

The second response…Friends also want to hear the honest answer of how you are doing also. I concur. If they are real friends, that is a true statement. So….they listen to the response with sincerity? How does that happen?

The process of learning to listen originates in the heart. You can go to a seminar and acquire a variety of excellent communication skills. You will add new phrases to your vocabulary like: paraphrase, perception check, story check, behavior description, and productive questions. All of those skills are helpful tools, but learning to listen originates in the heart.

I love the opening scene in the movie, What About Bob? A clinical psychologist portrayed by Richard Dreyfus is doing an intake interview with a new client named Bob, played by Billy Murray. Dreyfus’ character has all of the listening techniques down pat. He uses paraphrase. He asks Bob good open questions.

But it is quite obvious that he is not really listening, and that he really does not care! His obvious disdain for Murray’s troubled character comes across loud and clear via a of variety nonverbal cues. It is funny in the movie, because it sets the stage for hilarious events that are about to take place in the arrogant psychologist’s life. But in real life, such encounters are not amusing. Learning to listen originates in a pure heart.

My mother-in-law has never had any training as a professional counselor. In fact, she never went to college. But her extended family and friends have flocked to her for decades with all of their problems. Why are they drawn to her? The explanation is actually pretty simple. She understands that good listening skills originate in the heart. She is too humble to say that… But she understands the concept all too well!

Barbara listens with her ears and her heart. She seldom offers advice, but always communicates compassion and empathy both verbally and non-vebally. And she has a memory that exceeds the latest and greatest of any computer hard drive on the market. There have been times that I have shared with her that someone she had never met was facing some kind of serious illness. In each case, she would always ask relevant and important questions about the situation at hand. Months later she would ask me about that person. She would recall every minute detail that I had shared at a much earlier date, including the person’s name. She recalls that information, because she genuinely cares. She has a heart for people. And that is where good listening originates. It originates in a pure heart that has a huge capacity to love people.

I recommend training in listening skills. It is very useful. But it is not a substitute for a caring and considerate heart. I know a few colleagues that would benefit from a trip to a farm in West Texas. A day with my mother-in-law would provide some insight that could never be replicated in a seminar. And she would listen to THEIR problems with a kind and loving heart… Come to think of it…maybe I need a day on the farm…