If you see me in a restaurant, I will sit at the far back table with my back to the wall. When I go to the mall, I am very aware of my surroundings. I know who is around me and what they are doing. I even observe what is going on at church very carefully. I suppose doing ministry in a law enforcement setting for 20 years just starts to rub off on your actions! I have learned to be cautious. I know intuitively not be believe everything I hear. I would even go as far to say that I am somewhat suspicious. I honestly believe that some degree of caution is actually wise. Being alert can even save lives. But on the other hand, being completely unable to trust people is crippling.

Trust is an essential element of any meaningful relationship. But I find that distrust and outright suspicion often carries the day. The day of sealing business deals on a handshake is over for the most part. We don’t trust teachers to educate our kids, so we end up second guessing their professional judgment calls. We don’t trust our doctors, so we seek second and third opinions. (I realize that can be a good thing.) We don’t even trust church leaders. It never occurs to us that they have our best interests in mind. How is this prevailing lack of trust affecting our most intimate relationships?

Here are a few things I have observed regarding mutual trust in relationships:

• When someone has been burned in the past, they carry their wounds with them like a heavy old suitcase. They drag it around constantly, and periodically it gets so heavy that they can’t stand it anymore. Their behavior becomes irrational. Their close friends can’t figure why they are so wary. Unfortunately that old suitcase is often invisible to the friends of the overly cautious person. Close associates have no clue how heavy that piece of luggage is. They just get frustrated with the strange behavior they see exhibited.

• The old suitcase is often loaded with bitterness. Carrying bitterness around with us is worse than dragging around a suitcase full of concrete. It is heavy and cumbersome. The pain it inflicts on our heart is beyond description. When we find ourselves unable to forgive another person for the infractions they have committed against us, the suitcase flies open. The bitterness then fills it completely. We may even think that the bitterness does not exist. But its presence becomes obvious through our sarcastic humor, or our inability to fully trust those closest to us…

• The chronic pain caused by dragging this unwieldy suitcase around everywhere ultimately presents itself in our relationships. It is the promiscuous woman, who cannot trust a man to the point of mutual commitment. She proceeds to act out in inappropriate ways. It is the man who constantly accuses his wife or children of betraying him. In reality, they are totally loyal to him. It is the person who changes jobs constantly or moves from one location to the next perpetually.

How can the cycle of distrust be broken? How can someone finally be freed from the baggage they are carrying around? There really are no simple answers. I have learned a few things over the years of dealing with people in various ministry contexts. I don’t have the final answer by any means, but here is what I have learned.

• I firmly believe that most people have been burned by others in a significant way at some point in their life. Obviously age enters the picture here. That means that most of us possess the ability to feel and express empathy. Let’s choose to be empathetic instead of impatient.

• Bitterness will remain firmly embedded until we choose to forgive.  There is no sense in playing games with ourselves.  Geninue forgiveness must occur before bitterness can be totally eradicated.

• Forgiveness is a journey that we must choose to take every single day. Today I will choose to forgive. That must become our mantra. The forgiveness journey will be pleasant at times and treacherous on other days.

• The journey of healing may take us back to places where offensive actions took place. We may have to encounter and communicate with people who would be characterized as offenders. Such trips can be profoundly healing.

• We must choose to trust again. That is not easy. We are opening ourselves up for additional hurt. It is not out of the realm of possibility for us to become laden with a suitcase full of hard feelings again. It could happen. Being vulnerable is a reality of life.

When I sit in the back of the restaurant with my back to the wall, am I totally protected from harm? I seriously doubt it! When I watch people at the mall, will that keep me from being hurt from some crazed shopper? I doubt it. Every time I leave my home to interact with people I am opening myself up to be vulnerable.

I must apply that principle to my heart. If I am not willing to be vulnerable, distrust will carry the day. The weight of that old suitcase will destroy my most important relationships. When I choose to be vulnerable again, the suitcase of bitterness is left stowed away in the closet to collect dust. I find that I am free again. I am free to love and enjoy people. What a joy. I am going to sit at the back of the restaurant tomorrow, but I will smile as I assume my designated spot. Vulnerability is a good thing…