There are porcupines among us. There are difficult people among us who will shoot their quills for any and all reasons. Several years ago Marshall Shelly wrote a book for ministers about dealing with difficult church members entitled: Well Intentioned Dragons. It is a pretty insightful work. More recently Paul Meier published: Don’t Let Jerks Get the Best of You. It too is a great resource. Why do such books do well? There are porcupines among us…

Both above mentioned authors place such individuals in categories. There are certain kinds of well intentioned dragons. And there are degrees of jerks according to Meier. As I anticipate preaching in a couple of weeks about such difficult people, I think I will create my own categories of porcupines. Here goes…

Manipulative Porcupines: Manipulators come in all shapes and sizes, but they have one thing in common: They are working the people around them to accomplish their selfish objectives. They are so good at what they do that you sometimes don’t realize that they are the ones shooting quills at you. In a family system or in the workplace, they keep things perpetually stirred up. The group is always unsettled. There is constant drama and you can’t immediately put your finger on the root cause. Keep digging. There is a manipulative porcupine lurking in the shadows. The only way to deal with such creatures is to shine the light on their activities. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t encourage secrets. Communicate open and honestly about what is going on. Such porcupines operate best under the cover of relational darkness.

Injured Porcupines: I have known several chronic victims. Life has dealt them a bad deck of cards. I don’t doubt that to be true. In the process, they have assumed the role of the victim. It is a permanent role. They will always be the victim. When they are not receiving the level of sympathy they feel they deserve, they too can become porcupines full of quills. I am convinced that injured porcupines must be challenged to do the hard work of healing at some point.

Arrogant Porcupines: If you have done it once, then the arrogant porcupine has done it twice. He has seen it all and done it all. He is the resident authority on a host of topics. He is knowledgeable about a variety of subjects. This poor creature really needs someone to put him in his place. I have actually seen it done on a few select occasions. It is pretty effective.

Rescuer Porcupines: Otherwise known as bleeding heart porcupines, they creatures are on a mission to save the animal kingdom. They are the perpetual rescuers. They bring home the lost puppies and take up the cause of the underdog. I actually find these beings to be very likeable, but occasionally reason must carry the day. The rescue mission must be called. The underdog they are striving to rescue is going to drown them in the process. Rescuer porcupines will shoot their quills when one of their missions is being circumvented. My counsel in dealing with one of these types is to be extra gentle, or permanent damage will occur!

Dark Porcupines: Life is not pleasant for such individuals. They are functioning in a dark world. That darkness could very well be caused by depression. Their negative outlook is contagious. They just don’t have the energy to be any different. In many cases, such individuals need professional help.

That is not an exhaustive listing. There are many other species of porcupines wondering about. In a way, we secretly wish that we would not have to deal with difficult people. But that is not real life. We are called to love porcupines too. We are even called to love our enemies. I am not encouraging us to tolerate bad behavior or to allow porcupines to destroy a family system. But I don’t believe that we can ignore them or fail to reach out to them.

I heard a success story today about a man who has dealt with a lady for quite some time who is known for her sharp quills. She is the perpetual victim for sure. She probably has leanings toward being a dark porcupine as well. A friend of mine continued to keep the lines of communication open with her. He did not allow her to run over him or shoot quills at will. He was respectful of her. Additionally he made her feel valued and loved. Well….so far it is working.

What are your suggestions for helping a porcupine feel respected, valued and loved?  Post a comment on this page or on facebook.  More to come on dealing with difficult people.