My traditional Southern mother had a few key vocabulary words that she used on a very regular basis. They were terms that Scarlett O’hara herself no doubt employed. The consistent use of such terminology was a reflection of Southern culture and values.

One of those frequently used terms was: impose. Sometimes the noun form imposition was utilized. My mother did not want to impose on anyone. She did want our family to be an imposition. She never asked friends to do something for her or one of her children at the last minute. She was not inclined to drop in a friend without advance notice. That would an imposition without a doubt!

I actually thought that her Southern manners cramped my spontaneous style. I was of a mind even as a young boy that nobody is going to care if you drop in on them. I honestly think my mother would have broken out in hives if she had been forced to do something spontaneously that might potentially impose on another person. I just continued to roll my eyes, and she in turn would point her finger at me and tell me not be talking uh-gli. (that is Southern for ugly)

As an adult, I now see things differently. My mother was actually on to something. In my profession, I see people imposing themselves on others on a very regular basis. It has nothing to do with dropping in on friends unannounced or being spontaneous for that matter.

I see people imposing their own story on friends who are struggling. Several examples come to mind. Well intentioned individuals show up to comfort a grieving family member, friend, or work colleague. They could a real source of encouragement to that person who has faced a recent loss. But they commonly end up telling their own story of grief. I should say they end imposing their own story, because it is simply not helpful. It is almost like they are saying: Stop now!  Stop sharing!  I need to impose my story on you…

The same scenario unfolds with a person who is struggling with some aspect of raising children. “Now let me tell you what I did back in 1994 with my little Kellie Ann…” Let the process of imposing commence! I know all of us desire to find common ground when we are reaching out to friends in need, but there is a better way.

I find that listening very closely to the unique story of the other person is very important. All of our energies should be consumed in listening to every single detail of their story. We are going to be really tempted to jump in when there is a pause in the conversation and impose our story on our friend in need. Resist that temptation! Ignore those voices! Our friends don’t need to hear what has gone on with us unless they ask. They need us to express interest in their particular situation. We need to ask about their children and their family members. I find this to be so rare! I guess it is just too much of an imposition for us to tuck away our own stories long enough to really listen to someone else’s.

Next time you reach out to someone in grief, someone facing serious illness, or someone in another kind of crisis, leave your own story at the house. You will honor your friendship by giving the other person’s situation your undivided attention. I am thankful for today for a Southern mother who at least put me on the right track…