It has now been 30 years.  In 1991, my mother was diagnosed with advanced stage IV colon cancer. I was 29 years old.  By the time she received such a diagnosis, the physicians recommended hospice care as soon as she was released from the hospital. My sister and her husband graciously opened their home for that important endeavor even though they had a ten-year-old and a 3-year-old running around!  I started making weekly trips from Wichita Falls to Lubbock immediately.  We were by no means alone on that journey. There were several groups of people that arose to the occasion.  As you read these descriptions, do you find that you fit the bill for such a role?

The Stealth Fighters

Mysterious things occurred during the 90-day period my mother was under hospice care at Kim and Rocky’s home.  My mother’s yard looked immaculate that that Fall of 1991. Someone went over there and took care of it.  I will never know the identity of those responsible. They are stealth fighters. They serve the needs of others under the radar and draw no attention to themselves. People dealing with major illness need more than one stealth fighter.

The Quiet Benefactors

During that same 90-day period an older and somewhat salty man at church approached me every time he saw me and inquired about my mother.  His question was always the same: “How is your mother?” He would then proceed to place a 50-dollar bill in my pocket and remind me that I will need some gas money. In 1991, $50.00 bought at least three tanks of gas! Who needs a benefactor today?

The Hospitality Experts

My mother’s friends were fantastic cooks. It was that was that simple.  During the 90-day period of hospice care, they brought us homemade dinner rolls, desserts, and main dishes that would be the envy of any chef. It was not an occasional gesture. They literally fed us for 90 days. Can you use your culinary skills for such an endeavor?

The Humble Servants

As the end of my mother’s life drew nearer, our stress level increased. We were weary.  Emotional exhaustion is a real thing.  One of my mother’s friends showed up on the morning of October 30^th, 1991. I needed a break.  A humble servant brought her crocheting or knitting or something like that with her. She sat by mother’s bed and crocheted. She urged us to take a break. She committed to sitting by my mother’s side for the duration of the morning.  I spent that time driving around Lubbock. I needed solitude. This humble servant did not need accolades or attention. She just came to help. I came back to the house by noon feeling refreshed.  My mother died late that afternoon. Your friends need humble servants too. How can you step up today?

The Captain

When a death occurs, family member do not have the emotional capacity to function. They are not quite sure how to place one foot in front of the other. Every family needs a captain. Just one. This is not a role for a group!  The afternoon my mother died my sister’s friend quickly assumed that role. She made sure the kitchen was cleaned and the laundry started. She coordinated other willing volunteers.  A good captain must be willing to bark out of a few orders, if needed. We had a captain that day. She blessed us. Are you the bossy type?  Step up to the plate. It is your turn to bat.

The Mourners

We live in a busy society.  Too busy. We are often too busy to show up at a memorial service or a graveside service.  I officiate for approximately 20 funeral services each year. I am often disappointed at the turnout for a service. My mother’s funeral was held on a cold day in November. The weather was inclement that day. I would have certainly understood if friends chose to stay home. But my friends showed up in force. They made the trek from Wichita Falls to Lubbock to mourn with me. 30 years later I am still profoundly thankful for each of them.  Are you wondering if you should attend a funeral? Just go…

Do you have a friend dealing with a major illness?  I have one word of encouragement.

Drop this statement from your verbal communication.

“If there is anything I can do, please call.” 

Forget you ever knew that phrase.  There are so many things you can do.  Be creative. Are you a stealth fighter?  Perhaps you can extend hospitality in a way that no one else has thought of before now. There must be a captain out there too! Delegate the duties. Bark the orders!  I can tell you one thing with certainty. Your gestures of unselfish service will never be forgotten.